“Be alive to the reality of others.”
This is one of my favorite expressions. It’s how the Arbinger Institute describes empathy. It serves as a reminder that in our workplaces, understanding others is not just a soft skill; it’s the key to unlocking better collaboration and problem-solving.
Take a moment to think about two people you work with regularly. Now consider their realities. How do they see the world? How are their perspectives similar to yours, and in what ways do they differ? What parts of their experiences do you understand well, and what decisions or behaviours leave you puzzled? If you can identify something that doesn’t make sense to you, it’s likely a sign that you don’t fully understand their reality yet.
In teams, when someone doesn’t meet expectations or makes a decision that doesn’t align with our perspective, our instinct is often to judge. We may not always judge the person directly, but we certainly judge their behaviour. The question we must ask ourselves is, what value does this judgment bring? Why are so many of us so adept at judging?
Judgement: A Quick Fix or an Obstacle?
Judging is often a mechanism we use to regain a sense of control in uncomfortable situations. When faced with something unpleasant or problematic, we want to label it, frame it, and offer a solution. This approach gives us a sense of order, of having “solved” the problem. But what we fail to realise is that the solution we offer is often just a judgment call—quick, reactive, and based solely on our own perspective.
In judging others, we overlook a fundamental truth: real solutions require understanding, not just quick fixes. When we judge, we’re not engaging with curiosity or empathy—the two essential ingredients for constructive problem-solving.
Curiosity and Empathy: The Foundations of Effective Teamwork
To truly be alive to the reality of others, we need to foster curiosity and adopt a mindset of seeking to understand. When we suspend judgment and are curious, we create the space for deeper discovery.
This is why teams, despite sometimes being slower in the decision-making process, often produce better solutions than individuals working alone. The perception that individual problem-solving is more “efficient” usually comes from equating speed with effectiveness. However, quick judgments rarely lead to lasting solutions. They often overlook key elements of the problem that a team’s collective insight can reveal.
When done well, collaboration fosters curiosity and empathy. Team-based problem-solving thrives when members hold each other accountable to suspend judgment and explore diverse perspectives. This approach not only improves the quality of the solutions but also helps avoid alienating those who may not be performing at their best.
Understanding Reality Doesn’t Excuse Poor Performance
Being alive to the reality of others doesn’t mean accepting subpar performance. Rather, it means approaching problems from a position of deep understanding, which in turn makes problem-solving more effective. When a team member feels understood, they are more likely to engage with constructive feedback. On the other hand, if they feel misunderstood or judged, their natural reaction will be to defend, limiting their ability to change.
A Challenge for You
Think again about two people in your personal life. What might be going on in their world? What is their reality? And what is one question you could ask them if you were truly curious about their perspective?
Understanding others is not about relinquishing control but about enriching our collective capacity to solve problems. Teams that embrace curiosity, empathy, and a shared commitment to understanding each other’s realities are the ones that solve problems best.
